Yes, doctor, I got a story to tell and I need to tell it now.

I’m serious, this is serious…this is very, very serious, so serious I don’t know how to stress the seriousness of it except to say, I’m serious, and yes, I need to talk to you alone. I’ll only talk to you.

Just you, and I’m serious…

You.

No, lock the door, I don’t want to be interrupted…okay…yes.

Okay…okay…yes. I’m ready, okay.

Here goes: I think the Coast Guard is trying to drive me insane, seriously.

Okay, just stay with me for a moment doc. I have my reasons and again, no interruptions. Okay, ready…okay. The Coast Guard, never thought much about the Coast Guard at all until April 20th and now I think about them all the time and no, I don’t want to rehash all events here, no. I just want to mention that hey, remember when that second oil well blew in the Gulf, back in like August? Remember the initial press reports, the ones that said there was the big oil slick coming out of it and everyone went oh, great, here we go again, now we got two blown up oil wells to deal with? Then the Coast Guard rushed on out and they said no, no, no, never you fear…it was all a mistake and everybody like breathed a sigh of relief and said oh, okay, good, great….wow, I don’t think I could have taken another one. Yeah, you remember that? You do? Okay, okay, good…what?

No, I know doc, I didn’t really think much of it at the time either. I mean, Thad Allen was making me immune to Coast Guard fuck-ups…oh, okay, okay, sorry…mistakes. Right. I figured it was just the Coast Guard, you know, being the Coast Guard…but now, now…algae.

Algae.

Not oil, algae.

The Coast Guard, those rotten fu…gentlemen, they’re starting to make me believe in conspiracy theories.

They are!

I know!

I don’t like it either!

Remember yesterday, when all those press reports came out about all the oil they found in West Bay…yeah, right, 400 feet wide, miles long, pictures of it and everything. No, not oil…no, not today…today it’s algae.

I know!

It is a relief, especially with all the migratory bird soon arriving, landing in the area right where the oil, right where the algae is drifting towards, but you know what doc? I’m worried. I’m wondering if the Coast Guard is lying. No, I don’t want to think that either. Really, I don’t and this may sound crazy, but follow me…so the Coast Guard says it’s not oil, it’s algae, right, but then they say they are going to send some of it away for testing. I’ve seen algae blooms before and they don’t look like oil slicks and I don’t care if the oil is weathered or not, and you know what the boat captain said? The one that reported the oil in the first place?

This:

“I’ve never seen algae that looked orange, that was sticky, smelled like oil and that stuck to the boat and had to be cleaned off with solvent,” said one captain, who like the others wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing their BP contracts. “I’ll wait for the lab reports. In fact, we’re also sending some samples off.”

No wait Doc, there’s more.

The boat captains said they have been telling the Coast Guard about the oil for a week, right?

Okay, so yesterday, the Coast Guard said they sent someone out on Friday to take a closer look at the possible oil slick, but wouldn’t have comment until Saturday, yeah the Coast Guard guy said they had never heard of it before, that the only report they had of oil from the area of West Bay was “a 10-by-10 area of foam and oil called into the Houma office by a shrimper.” Okay, but then today the Coast Guard said they have known about these reports all along, and actually been investigating it since mid-week. He said the reason he made his mistake on Friday is they have poor communication at the Coast Guard and there was more than one shooter on the grassy knoll.

What?

No, never mind that right now.

So, all the Coast Guard guys communicated now, and they talked about it for a few days and they decided it was algae after all and the boat captains who have been boating around in the stuff, well, they’re all just stupid and they want the Gulf to be messed up forever because they don’t want to work anymore and would just rather get huge checks from BP and drink Dixie beer until their livers explode.

What?

Well, that’s what I heard.

Who? Someone at the NOAA. What, why else would the residents of the Gulf Coast constantly report sightings, constantly question the safety, pay their own money to run their own tests, why else…unless it was…

I know!

Conspiracy!

It’s like fake oil slicks off the second exploding well, now you see it, now you don’t.

Now you see it, okay, you did see it but now it’s a plant.

That’s why I’m here…oh, but I almost forgot, no wait, sit back down..no, seriously, there’s more. Yeah, so then I’m reading this other AP article where the Coast Guard guy who said that though that spot was algae, there’s another spot about ten miles away that could be oil and they’re gonna take samples and test that one too. His name? Jeff Hall, yeah, so they’re sampling both spots. One place is huge and they say is just algae and the other is small and they say might be oil. Boat Captains know about the huge one, but don’t know about the little one. So doc, what happens if the Coast Guard mixes up the two test samples and it happens to prove their theory and also prove that all Boat Captains don’t know anything about water and oil, and even worse, what if the labs the Coast Guard sent their samples to are run by the NOAA? Those guys couldn’t find cooking oil at a McDonald’s. What happens if the Coast Guard samples and the boat captain samples say two different things?

It’ll be conspiracy!

I know!

That’s why I’m in here.

I know! Seriously!

Okay…nap, yes…nap…wake me up for the Saints game, yeah?

Good, thank you, yeah Cleveland sucks…The only thing good about Cleveland turned into an asshole and moved to Miami.

What?

I know!

There ain’t nothing good about Florida…

Read the articles:

Massive stretches of weathered oil spotted in Gulf of Mexico

Coast Guard says substance found floating in Gulf is algae, not oil

Have a nice day: