British Petroleum unleashed their 193 page report yesterday, accepting a small part of the blame for the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon, while at the same time pointing eleven fingers at Halliburton and Transocean. The report held  a number of key findings, but focused a great deal of attention on the improper cementing of the well, something it should be noted British Petroleum had nothing to do with and it would seem that, according to the report, if Transocean had done a better job of detecting problems with that cement seal, none of this would have ever happened.

“This report is not BP’s mea culpa,” said Rep. Edward J. Markey, D-Mass., a member of a congressional panel investigating the spill. “Of their own eight key findings, they only explicitly take responsibility for half of one. BP is happy to slice up blame as long as they get the smallest piece.”

“BP blaming others for the Gulf oil disaster is like Bernie Madoff blaming his accountant,” said Robert Gordon, an attorney for fishermen, hotels and restaurants affected by the spill. Another plaintiff’s lawyer, W. Mark Lanier, scoffed: “This is like the ringleader of a lynch mob saying, ‘Well, I didn’t bring the rope; he did.'”

The other members of the lynch mob, of course, immediately weighed in:

Transocean called the real cause of the explosion — “BP’s fatally flawed well design,” while Halliburton said it found a number of omissions and inaccuracies in the report and is confident the work it completed on the well met BP’s specifications. “Contractors do not specify well design or make decisions regarding testing procedures as that responsibility lies with the well owner,” the company said.

In a related story:

Yesterday afternoon, Drake Toulouse crossed the hall into the office of a co-worker where he allegedly punched James Astin in the face, repeatedly. It is also alleged that Mr. Toulouse didn’t stop swinging until the victim, Mr. Astin lay unmoving on the office floor.

Drake immediately objected to the naming of his co-worker as a “victim,” saying, “that would imply a sense of innocence and if there is anything we know about James, he is not innocent. His continued use of the speakerphone in these close quarters has been bugging everybody for months.”

The agency employing the two men will soon conduct a query into the matter but in the interim, Mr. Toulouse quickly launched his own internal investigation and after an hour, he released a 73 page, rather technical report of his findings.

Whereas he did accept the blame in going to Mr. Astin’s office, once there, his investigation of himself found he did not strike anybody, “It’s true, I gave James the DSM-IV he used to beat himself so mercilessly,” Mr. Toulouse admits in the report, “I am not blameless, but I didn’t lay a finger on the man. In fact, I blame the agency itself, if they hadn’t given me that book or installed a phone system with a working speakerphone, James would not have used it to the point he couldn’t control himself, but it is true I should never have given him the book he used, to inflict so much damage upon himself. Did I mention this is a tragedy for the entire agency?”

When asked for comment, the agency spokesperson said “What book?”

James Astin, reached by phone in the hospital, commented “Drake Toulouse is a complete idiot…that’s all I have to say.”

Read the articles,

Update: BP lays much oil spill blame on other companies in internal report

BP’s Internal Investigation vs. What We Already Know

Have a nice day.