These are not my friends. I don’t know their names, but I do see them in my neighborhood, usually together, usually laughing and one of them bartends down the street from where I live. They’re friendly enough, both smiling and serious in the rare moments I’ve seen them and they’ve always been (at best) friendly and (at worst) ambivalent. Either of those responses are fine. … Continue reading Not my friends…
I enjoy thinking about how they interact, how they make me feel. I think about this a lot. Last night I was sitting at a bar on Geary Street, texting with my partner about missing these conversations I had with a friend on the darker aspects of life. She humored me and we reflected on the impact of death in our lives, she who has … Continue reading Death and life…and EMDR
I woke up troubled. Not enough sleep, and then too much coffee with the jitters vibrating my chest, but my mind dull and cloudy. If I think about everything I need to do today, who I’ll speak to, the actions I might be called to make, if I let the entire day play across my thoughts it feels overwhelming. Needing to stay in the moment, … Continue reading In the moment…
…and what does that mean? Let’s start with the impossible job I mentioned in a previous post. Yesterday I was at work when I saw through my office door the site nurse on the move with her vitals equipment. I emerged to discover one of the staff behind closed doors in an office being treated by said nurse and I moved towards the lobby, towards … Continue reading Meeting darkness with vulnerability…
It’s Christmas day. I feel alright, more or less, sitting in my apartment in the Tenderloin, San Francisco. My partner, parents and most of my friends are in the Midwest so I’m out here alone, but that’s okay. I think Christmas for me is mostly a non-issue, unavoidable but at the same time not really resonating no matter how much I used to enjoy the … Continue reading It’s Christmas…
It’s 3:30 am as I write this and in five hours I’ll be on a flight to Las Vegas. It’s a stupid city, in a desert, using too much water and too much power and too much consciousness in a lack of consciousness sort of way, but I always have a good time. I’ll be meeting my partner there, who is flying in from Chicago … Continue reading Four days in Las Vegas…
I recently discovered a school of thought called Monster Theory. From what I’ve gathered thus far it is a mix of social and critical theory that studies the link between monsters and the cultures from which they’re produced. There’s a lot to see there, and also a question for me in these days of tribalism/division/attacks on diversity/rise of fascism and the years of the virus: … Continue reading Monster theory…
I leave for work in two hours, where I manage the support services in a building with 140 highly acute residents. There should be a staff consisting of my role, an assistant manager, and five case managers to do the work, but what we have is me, and three case managers, one of which is starting today and two who work four day schedules. Despite … Continue reading An Impossible Job…
…and it has been for a long time. Walking to the grocery store this morning up Hyde Street, and I glanced up at the distinct San Francisco architecture, bay windows and whatnot and crossing Post, looked West towards Polk Street and I had this realization: shit, none of this means anything to me right now. I stopped on the corner and thought about everything I … Continue reading Shit, it is depression…
I moved back to San Francisco 8 months ago, a long debated change influenced by past memories, thoughts of meaning, the pandemic lock downs and a growing dissatisfaction with a repetitive, routine Chicago. This relocation was supposed to be a solution, get me back to doing the work I loved in an environment I related to where I could once again, begin to see my … Continue reading Back in San Francisco…
Drake Toulouse: Photography and Words 