I kill people for a living.
Normally, I don’t really go spreading this around as I find it can get in the way of my job, but after the events of this week, I just can’t help myself. Ten years now of having to be all secretive, of having to always respond to questions like, “Hey, what do you do for a living?” with answers like “Oh, a bit of this and that…and, you know, whatever it takes…or, I was a high school teacher before Katrina,” I soon may be able to finally be honest with my fellow New Orleanians, “Me? Oh, I’m an Assassin, and I’m proud!”
It’s been a great week.
Obama’s about to make me legal.
What? I know…I never would have believed it either. I thought when McCain chose Palin, I was truly fucked, but who knew? These Democrats? They appear to have an even stronger fetish for state secrets than the regime they replaced. It’s amazing, truly a surprise and yeah, I know I gotta thank the recession too. Since they can’t run on the economy at mid-terms and that health care thing has been such a clusterfuck…again, the last thing they need is to give rich white elephants any kind of war on terror ammunition so yeah, I get it. I understand. I just don’t care, cause me and my ilk, we’re coming out! Hell, we might even start our own Krewe! Mardi Gras parades! Our own Ball!
Despite the fact the constitution requires all Americans to receive “due process of law,” Obama is arguing that his assassination program is a state secret.
Why is he doing that?
Well, what happened is the father of this American citizen by the name of Anwar Awlaki, his dad filed a lawsuit against the administration for trying to assassinate his son. Yeah, you can sue for that! Crazy, I didn’t know either. Anyways, the Department of Justice under Obama is demanding dismissal of this lawsuit because they say that when I am out there trying to kill people at the behest of your government, I am a “state secret,” even when I am killing Americans. Why I want to kill you, also a “state secret.” The evidence the government has used as proof of your guilt before sending me out to kill you? You guessed it, “state secret.” And because of all these state secrets, what recourse would an American citizen have?
The Krewe of “Rue de Screw You!”
Got a bit of ring to it. I’ve always been a fan of some serious alliteration.
I’m thinking of taking out a billboard on Canal Street, course, then again that might not be prudent. It might give the impression to tourists I could conduct my business in the adjoining French Quarter, and whereas that may have been true before…soon, this is about to become very difficult. You see, even with the protection of our government that allows me to kill…you know, you, this doesn’t necessarily mean I want to be caught int the act. It creates quite a headache. Paperwork, time…yeah, all that shit and somebody’s got to let out my dog, “Ray-ray,” so there is still some sense of circumspection required. And in the French Quarter, well, I could deal with the NOPD and their 35 to 40 officers patrolling the Quarter 24-7, but what with this new French Quarter Security District thing, I just don’t know if it’s all going to be worth it. If this is approved on October 2nd, that means there are going to be three new security guards walking around the Quarter’s what, 85 blocks or so? I don’t think I want to deal with that kind of scrutiny. Yes, I understand that Moe, Larry and Curly will not be allowed to unholster their weapon for any reason, that they don’t have the power to arrest anyone for anything but seriously, there is a reason me and my ilk never kill anyone in malls. Too much trouble. I mean what if one of those security guards should have a camera? Do you know how many forms I would have to fill out if I was actually caught on film doing my job, even with the whole state secrets thing?
Assassins don’t like paperwork, it’s one of the most oft-cited reasons we get into this line of work in the first place.
I think I’ll put my billboard out by the airport.
So yeah, you gotta take the good with the bad and if the French Quarter is the only place I can’t kill in this country anymore? Yeah, I can live with that…I suppose, for now.
Oh, and more good news!
Mixed development is on the way to the Iberville.
New digs, right next to the Quarter! If I can’t kill there, at least I can hang out. Assassins like the Quarter…Flanagans, Mojo’s, Fahey’s, Molly’s…all within walking distance. Woo-hoo!
And no, you don’t have to ask. I do feel bad about the whole lack of affordable housing thing in New Orleans, really, I do…but I do work for the company so you gotta support the company and since Obama (again, a Democrat…who knew?) appointed David Gilmore head of HANO, we’re getting all that talk of “mixed development” again and just like when they tore down the Big 4, there have been no promises of 1 to 1, the idea that for every low-income apartment they eliminate, they create a new one somewhere else. With 1 to 1, the thousands of residents that have been priced out of the New Orleans housing market when HANO destroyed their homes, or those at the Iberville who soon might be, they are given a new place to live, guaranteed. 1 to 1. They don’t have to leave New Orleans, or they can finally come back home.
I know, yes, I feel bad about there maybe being more homeless people and all, but I also take responsibility. To assuage any guilt I feel when I move to the Iberville Luxury Towers (don’t worry, you’ll hear about it after the elections) I’m going to do my part to kill as many people as I can all over the New Orleans area, except the French Quarter of course, to try to reduce housing demand, to lower the rents city-wide.
You are welcome!
Okay, gotta go.
Busy, busy, busy…like I said…it’s been a pretty good week overall, got me a lot of work out there to do and I am about to be even more swamped. Seriously. After November 2nd, it’s my understanding that the current administration will soon declare that all those people getting a bit too loud about the Gulf will soon be designated “eco-terrorists.”
And you know what that means.
Yep, Christmas is coming and the family’s going to get the expensive gifts this year!
Oh, and by the way…anyone know a certain Garret Hartley’s address?
Just kidding…kind of.
Have a nice day.