An Open Letter to the Tea Party of Louisiana…

What do you mean, climate change?


My name’s Drake.

I trust things are treating you well?

Good, me too.

Don’t worry, this letter won’t be too long but before I get into a couple of things, I feel it is important to tell you a couple of things about myself as they will become pertinent a bit later on. First of all, I’m on the high side of my thirties and I don’t have any children. It’s not a genetic thing if that matters to you, it’s a choice, one I made at about nineteen or twenty and a choice I am quite content with. Second of all, I fit pretty well into a personality disorder type called Schizoid and what that means is I have a distinct lack of interest in personal relationships, oftentimes don’t see the point of spending time with others. This may seem odd for a social worker. I agree, but just because I don’t care personally doesn’t mean I can’t effectively help people. My second choice in careers was to be a minister despite being an atheist. Why not? I’m good with people, public speaking isn’t a problem and I can write a decent narrative so sermons? No worries, I imagined people would have just presumed a belief in God…but I became a social worker, so instead people presume I’m social, anyways…

I’ve been reading your mission.

Especially the part about climate change.

Uh, really?

I am assuming that since you are the Tea Party of Louisiana that most of you live in Louisiana, right? I mean, even if you don’t live in Baton Rouge or New Orleans…Louisiana, right?


In your platform I’ve noticed a couple of inconsistencies. You seem to start off by suggesting there is a climate change problem when you say the “purpose of the cap-and-trade legislation to reduce global CO2 emissions may appear to be for the greater good,” and then you go on a little later to suggest cap and trade isn’t actually for the greater good, not because there isn’t a climate change problem, but because other big polluters may not buy in to cap and trade.

So I don’t understand, is there a problem or not?

Oh, okay…not much of a problem, if at all, and certainly not caused by man.

All right, and you state that at the UN Climate Change conference in Poland, over 650 scientists were on hand to state it was not a man-made deal and might not even be harmful at all.

650 scientists, I agree, that might sound like a lot…but c’mon, it’s not, not really, not when you glance towards the other side to see the number of scientists who belive man is involved. From this vantage point, you get the official government scientific organizations of 32 countries, and this other ridiculous number of non-governmental scientific organizations worldwide who would have no qualms about taking those 650 men and women down in a street fight, a quick street fight…yeah, a horribly outmatched streetfight.

So relatively speaking, 650 people ain’t shit, you can find a handfull of so-called experts who will testify to anything. There are still people who believe the earth is flat, too.

Yeah, seriously.

Your platform also talks a lot about cost, but neglects to mention a more recent, larger cost estimate: $350 billion in economic losses along the Gulf Coast due to hurricanes and rising sea levels, two phenomena made much worse by climate change according to most scientists, well, most besides those 650 guys you mentioned so again, relative costs my friends and that $350 billion is a tiny percentage of the costs worldwide once food and water shortages become more serious.

I’ve also read a bit about how a lot of you guys are religious and that’s cool. I never fault anyone their spiritual side even if I am an atheist. I’ve seen a person’s faith do a lot of good in my social work world so bully for you, seriously, but I’ve also read that some of you feel you can do whatever you want environmentally because it says in the bible that God made you all stewards of the land. Okay, maybe so. But if that’s true, don’t you think people in general have to be pissing him off by now? Daddy gives you a new car and you never get the oil changed, the car’s engine locks up destroyed, well…daddy’s gonna be annoyed. If we are stewards, I don’t really wanna get fired because you guys suck at your job.

And in Louisiana, seriously…you guys really need the land and the water to be clean, productive and solvent because a larger majority of your economy kinda depends on it…and man, if those sea levels start to rise, you really want to put that in the hands of the Army Corps of Engineers?

Remember, you can’t sue them…

Oh, and I get it..the cynical amongst you snickering to each other about who cares what happens to New Orleans? They vote Democratic anyway…mebbe so, but just try to get your state to function without their revenue, and what the hell would you guys do on Sunday afternoon? Watch the boring-ass Texans?

Long story short…I’m thinking you might want to be more supportive of efforts to do something about climate change, you got a lot riding on it whether you want to ignore it or not, and we are at a rather crucial time…the tipping point, or pretty close to it and if we wait much longer…then it won’t really matter…we’ll all be sitting in that useless, dead car.

And this gets me back to my lifestyle, and my personality disorder.

Between me and you…I really don’t care that much about people.

Oh sure, I play a caring person on TV, but no…not really, not that much…I don’t have any kids to be concerned about, never been all that close to anyone in my family beyond my parents and I’m old enough that short of climate change altering the ecology enough that one of those unstoppable virus’s can flourish in our climate, I don’t have a lot to worry about. If the world does fall apart before I kick off, I’ll just hole up with some food, some booze, some guns and good books and ride it out. That’s okay by me, ultimately…I mean in the grand scheme, but you guys and gals…I would imagine you got kids, grandkids? Are you really so selfish that you’d just throw them to the dogs like that? You guys all hate big government, but when the effects of climate change hit and hit hard, who do you think your kids are going to depend on or need? Yeah, how’d that work out for you during Katrina, the oil spill?

I understand that many of you, like me, will die before it gets really bad. So okay, but I do wish I could be there when you’re on your deathbed at home or hospital, and when it’s all pretty much too late and you think your granddaughter is coming to say goodbye before you die, and just as you reach out your arms for that last hug…

She kicks you in the balls for doing nothing.

Have a nice day.

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