A Baton Rouge review from the New Orleans Assassin…

Letter grades are so difficult to hand out...


Yes, I still kill people for a living.

Though I’m thinking of starting my own charter school, but more about that later…

I know its been a while, and I might apologize if I believed in such sentiment but I don’t…so, another legislative session comes and goes, and I’m caught in the city in that early summer dry spell…why do contract hits slow down in the early part of the summer? I don’t know, your guess is good as mine, but during the down time I’ve been taking a few weeks to myself, sitting by the river, drinking a good strong cup of coffee and watching the barges and hey, how about the Mississippi a few weeks back? I mean, damn…sometimes being an assassin just don’t do a bit of good, no matter how expert one might be. It’s not like I could have disposed of the water, though I will admit, one drunken night after a few, few too many, I did try…and if you were near the Quarter, you know what I’m talking about, kind of risky going without the silencer, but obviously I wasn’t making the best of decisions that night…if I had, I wouldn’t have tried shooting a river in the first place…fair enough? After many Abitas though, lots of dumb shit starts making sense…s’why I don’t drink for the most part.

Anyways…back to the legislative session…mixed bag this year, though slightly better than expected…and overall, let’s take a look at some of the good and the bad and most importantly, look at how I can make this work for me…and working for me, that would seem to be the theme of this years session…I mean really, a four cent cigarette tax extension vetoed because Jindal swore not to raise taxes? The only reason for that foolishness is aspirations to a rabid GOP base and a ride on the Romney machine…unless Jindal’s courting the pro-cancer crowd, and that could very well be, he is a Republican and cancer is a money maker for pharmaceutical companies and hospitals and Jindal, he likes himself some hospitals…even if they don’t have the necessary funding.

Okay, okay…sidetracked again…

Did I mention I might be starting my own charter school?

Yeah, I get 49% of the seats on the board…and I’m betting my 49% will easily dictate to the other 51, we’ll be far better armed. Gonna call it the “Jackal School of the Arts and Assassination.” Normal curriculum, except we’ll be pretty pro-science. No creationism at the Jackal, and no “Intelligent Design” either, and a whole lot more about climate change…know what else? Ronald Reagan’s name will be taboo at the Jackal, and so will George W. Bush, who will be known simply as “Treason” so at the Jackal, if you mention treason, you’re talking Texas. My school, my rules and if you don’t like it, too bad, don’t enroll here. If you don’t come to the front doors as a friend, don’t come at all, seriously, don’t come…but really, is anyone stupid enough to come to the Jackal School of the Arts and Assassination with complaints?

If so, you will be outgunned.

I pay the bills, I set the template…oh, and all those teachers fired after Katrina…front of the line to apply, if so interested, so thanks to Baton Rouge and Bobby for this corporate charter thing (the possibilities) and don’t worry guys and gals, there could be worse schools then mine as a result…you might get stuck with Starbucks High or maybe the Dow Chemical School of Pleasant Poison, Halliburton Cementing Central or even the Goldman Sachs Institute of Fuck You, America.

We all know many charter schools deny entry to those less fortunate or those with behavioral problems and they wreck much of the admirable work of those so dedicated to, and inside the public schools through deprivation, and I wish I could do more to right this wrong, but what I can do is promise you that at the Jackal, we’ll take anybody, and in a few years of training a few handpicked students and teachers, well…plots have a way of hatching and plots, they can bust open all the school doors for everybody…at least that’s what I’ve heard, you know, about plots and conspiracies and, and such…

Moving on…

Turns out I’m going to have to find another way to communicate with friends on the inside as Facebook appears out of the picture, but really, that’s neither here nor there since me and my ilk have dozens of guards on the take anyway and speaking of prison, would it surprise you to know of my humanitarian streak, to find out I sponsor several young adults at Delgado Community College? If it does, one might ask whether you live entirely in a world of black and white, you know, like Treason does. Grey my friends, this world is grey as a coming storm cloud which this tuition hike might be for me if it weren’t for the tax breaks my software business is going to get in the next fiscal year.

I tell ya, that Bobby…on and on about not raising taxes like with the cigarette thing…yet he raises school tuitions, well, what would you call that? It’s a tax ya fool, they just go under different names. Oh, and raising the fees for probation and parole…you know, we here in the field have noticed a trend of this as late nationwide and I gotta say, our contract fees are going up because of it, but it’s okay for us, I mean we have a marketable skill, one that grows more marketable each year but a lot of people coming out of the prisons don’t. So I get it, it’s easy to pick on prisoners, I mean who sticks up for ex-cons? Well, I’m an ex-con, and though I may be well past any probation or parole time myself, let me just say that finding a job with a record, no matter what anyone says about the legalities of it, discrimination happens and it’s often hard for those so unskilled to find a job carrying a record, so raising these fees on people just adds to the pressure…and rasing these fees? Again, fees are just another name for a tax, but since Bobby’s going for the GOP base, if there’s one thing we all know about the Grand Ol Party, they give a fuck about ex-cons…oh, and if there’s one place we know for sure these ex-cons can’t collect a pay check anymore, at least not one they can show Probation and Parole, it’s for the hard work they could have done at a synthetic marijuana or bath salts factory.

Way to narrow down the job prospects Baton Rouge…and while I’m sure many citizens of New Orleans were pleased that penalties were increased for businesses that hire illegal immigrants, especially when dealing with state contracts, I bet they would have been even happier if Jindal and co. would have also guaranteed things like benefits and livable wages and maybe even local hire laws…but hey, it’s a start right? I know I’m getting a bit sick of the Argentinian crew that moved in Uptown getting some of my contracts. I know they do it cheaper, but this is about quality… and in my trade quality typically wins out, just as I suspect it will eventually in this case. Just wait till one of those guys in the CBD gets fingered because an Argentine got careless and if there’s one thing we all have come to know about Argentinian assassins, eventually they all do get careless.

Course I’m sure I don’t have to explain that to anyone here…common knowledge complete, like the rats run into the Quarter from the river at dusk, or New Orleans needs more movie theaters.

Oh, and here’s a thought, maybe you jokers would have a better time of placing limits on pay packages for the higher ups in college administrations or getting state employees to contribute more to their pensions if you weren’t trying to screw with state employee’s healthcare or if you demanded similar limits on pay for CEO’s in the private sector. And speaking of bitching, let’s just touch base for a moment on transparency. Yeah, Jindal ran on it and yeah, now Jindal runs from it and maybe one of these days the transparency law gets passed, like after Jindal leaves Louisiana for the whole Vice-Presidency thing…dream a little dream…don’t care where you go Bobby so long as you’re gone, besides…putting you on a national stage to give speeches, well, let’s just say that unless you’re getting off a helicopter to exploit another disaster to appeal to your base while railing against the Feds, when it comes to the speeches, you kinda suck.

Wooden would be a compliment.

When it comes to transparency…the time has long since come. Much like BP, Feinberg and the whole lot of them, lack of transparency gives the appearance you’re hiding something and what with that whole Medicaid contract thing…and the Chaffe report, you’ve been hiding a lot. You know it, we know it…and the businesses reaping insider benefits, they know it a lot. Pretty sleazy Bobby, and pretty slick, like Mitt Romney’s hair products.

And also Bobby, let’s tell the truth about this legislative session, you’ve had some issues this time round.

Hell, your own House out-righted you, made you look positively spend-happy at times…so, thank God for the Senate, huh?

And what else…

Sell the prisons? Oops…

Try to raise tuition at all the state universities too? Oops…cough cough TAXES cough cough…

SUNO and UNO what?

Reauthorization in 2014 of your plan to screw the poor by turning over a lot of Louisiana’s Medicaid programs to private insurers, those bastions of corporate and civic responsibility…nothing says “we care” like corporations trying to turn a profit by turning down health procedures for the sick…

Anyways Bobby, the New Orleans Assassin would like to wish you better luck next year…cause I firmly believe next year you won’t be here, instead you’ll be vying for either a useless figurehead position like Vice President or you’ll be part of an administration hell bent on screwing the entire country the way you’ve been trying to screw Louisiana so see-ya…and honestly, I’m of two minds on that subject:

Civic-mindedly, it’s disappointing to grow older in your age of the robber-barons and their Republican, and not a few Democrat enablers.

And personally, Republican policies always create desperation, and desperation creates contract work…some of it pro-bono for those who couldn’t typically afford my services and on the flip side, those who can afford it, get more money to spend and spend they will…often on me and my services.

So, the way I see it, another middling legislative session, some of it good personally, but per usual, mostly bad for the majority of the state. In any case, like I mentioned it’s the slow season and in the spirit of helping those less fortunate, time for some pro-bono work, so I’ll be looking…just put the chalk “X”, last pew on the left at St. Louis Cathedral and then walk away…I’ll find you and we’ll talk.

Or, keep a look out for the signs announcing construction of the “Jackal School of the Arts and Assassination.”

I’ll be around…and oh, one last thing…a special thanks for the defeat of concealed weapons on college campuses. I’m not typically called to work at the universities, but if that day comes, well, call me more comfortable…

Have a nice day.


The hooker Louisiana politicians can’t keep from their beds…

Where johns get up to their old tricks...

In the beginning of an important story by American Zombie, he details how Big Oil has two bills in the works which would make it illegal to file lawsuits against oil companies, including British Petroleum.

And the Louisiana lawmakers to vote on this?

Yes of course, all have ties to oil and gas companies…

“Briggs (President of LOGA) would have us believe that there are 100’s of inflated and unfair lawsuits in the state against poor, little oil and gas companies, like BP?  He’s also suggesting we’ve got “friendly judges” that are rubber stamping this racket?  Not only has he called into question the integrity of our state’s judiciary, the guy is suggesting that big oil and gas companies are being victimized…no kidding.

As if that wasn’t outrageous enough, wait until you hear the “republican” solution to Briggs imaginary problem.  He want’s to bar lawsuits against the oil and gas companies and turn the remediation process….the money, the work…THE CONTRACTS… over to a state entity, the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).


Did I mention this bill isn’t even constitutional?  I’ll get to that later on.”

Follow the link to the entire article…

Big Oil…slippery bastards that never sleep

Have a nice day.

Bobby’s Bad Day…in Texas

"You think I need you to tell me about the problems in Texalouisianaflorda? Hardly, if Obama would get out of my way, I'd fix everything."

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, ever concerned about the needs of his constituents, spent yesterday attending to Louisianans in the grand ol’ state of Texas. He gave a speech. He hawked his book. He did a fund-raiser.

Oh, and while Bobby was out of town again…

The National Oil Spill Commission declared that Jindal’s great sand berm idea was ineffective to say the least, largely as a result of them not being built fast enough and also, in the wrong location. In response, Jindal said, “This report is partisan revisionist history at taxpayer expense,” which of course, is another way of saying, “All the people who said this berm idea was faulty from the beginning, and who have now been proven correct by the evidence in this report are either scientists, Democrats, or not hoping for some kind of higher office in 2012, so obviously I must know better.”

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, also while Jindal was in Texas, more than 250 people gathered at the state capital to protest the poor job Kenneth Feinberg is doing in compensating the Gulf Coast for its losses as a result of BP’s oil spill. They complained that maids, bellhops and the such at Louisiana hotels are not being compensated from the claims fund, despite them losing money and hours as a result of the drop off in the tourist trade.

Jindal, to make sure his citizens understood how much he cared, even though he was in Texas, sent out his Chief of Staff, Timmy Teepell to inform the protesters that Jindal “continues to have concerns about the fairness, timeliness and accuracy” of the claims process and he will someday address them, from Texas or maybe Florida or Ohio, you know, where he is hard at work taking care of his constituents at fundraisers or book store events, these necessary obligations where Jindal is busy raising funds for…Louisiana.

Maybe this is how he intends to close the monstrous budget gap, continue doing fundraisers so he won’t have to cut back on education, on social services, on medical care…on…and on…and on…

If not, however, perhaps he would be better served by some serious brainstorming on how to fix the problems in his state, listen to his people, attend to their needs…come up with some seriously, creative solutions to blunt the looming damage from the budget shortfall…tor maybe finally admit what many have suspected all along, that Louisiana is a platform for Jindal to higher office and once he flies out of the state for good, he’ll be leaving the people and the problems behind.

Have a nice day.

An Open Letter to the Tea Party of Louisiana…

What do you mean, climate change?


My name’s Drake.

I trust things are treating you well?

Good, me too.

Don’t worry, this letter won’t be too long but before I get into a couple of things, I feel it is important to tell you a couple of things about myself as they will become pertinent a bit later on. First of all, I’m on the high side of my thirties and I don’t have any children. It’s not a genetic thing if that matters to you, it’s a choice, one I made at about nineteen or twenty and a choice I am quite content with. Second of all, I fit pretty well into a personality disorder type called Schizoid and what that means is I have a distinct lack of interest in personal relationships, oftentimes don’t see the point of spending time with others. This may seem odd for a social worker. I agree, but just because I don’t care personally doesn’t mean I can’t effectively help people. My second choice in careers was to be a minister despite being an atheist. Why not? I’m good with people, public speaking isn’t a problem and I can write a decent narrative so sermons? No worries, I imagined people would have just presumed a belief in God…but I became a social worker, so instead people presume I’m social, anyways…

I’ve been reading your mission.

Especially the part about climate change.

Uh, really?

I am assuming that since you are the Tea Party of Louisiana that most of you live in Louisiana, right? I mean, even if you don’t live in Baton Rouge or New Orleans…Louisiana, right?


In your platform I’ve noticed a couple of inconsistencies. You seem to start off by suggesting there is a climate change problem when you say the “purpose of the cap-and-trade legislation to reduce global CO2 emissions may appear to be for the greater good,” and then you go on a little later to suggest cap and trade isn’t actually for the greater good, not because there isn’t a climate change problem, but because other big polluters may not buy in to cap and trade.

So I don’t understand, is there a problem or not?

Oh, okay…not much of a problem, if at all, and certainly not caused by man.

All right, and you state that at the UN Climate Change conference in Poland, over 650 scientists were on hand to state it was not a man-made deal and might not even be harmful at all.

650 scientists, I agree, that might sound like a lot…but c’mon, it’s not, not really, not when you glance towards the other side to see the number of scientists who belive man is involved. From this vantage point, you get the official government scientific organizations of 32 countries, and this other ridiculous number of non-governmental scientific organizations worldwide who would have no qualms about taking those 650 men and women down in a street fight, a quick street fight…yeah, a horribly outmatched streetfight.

So relatively speaking, 650 people ain’t shit, you can find a handfull of so-called experts who will testify to anything. There are still people who believe the earth is flat, too.

Yeah, seriously.

Your platform also talks a lot about cost, but neglects to mention a more recent, larger cost estimate: $350 billion in economic losses along the Gulf Coast due to hurricanes and rising sea levels, two phenomena made much worse by climate change according to most scientists, well, most besides those 650 guys you mentioned so again, relative costs my friends and that $350 billion is a tiny percentage of the costs worldwide once food and water shortages become more serious.

I’ve also read a bit about how a lot of you guys are religious and that’s cool. I never fault anyone their spiritual side even if I am an atheist. I’ve seen a person’s faith do a lot of good in my social work world so bully for you, seriously, but I’ve also read that some of you feel you can do whatever you want environmentally because it says in the bible that God made you all stewards of the land. Okay, maybe so. But if that’s true, don’t you think people in general have to be pissing him off by now? Daddy gives you a new car and you never get the oil changed, the car’s engine locks up destroyed, well…daddy’s gonna be annoyed. If we are stewards, I don’t really wanna get fired because you guys suck at your job.

And in Louisiana, seriously…you guys really need the land and the water to be clean, productive and solvent because a larger majority of your economy kinda depends on it…and man, if those sea levels start to rise, you really want to put that in the hands of the Army Corps of Engineers?

Remember, you can’t sue them…

Oh, and I get it..the cynical amongst you snickering to each other about who cares what happens to New Orleans? They vote Democratic anyway…mebbe so, but just try to get your state to function without their revenue, and what the hell would you guys do on Sunday afternoon? Watch the boring-ass Texans?

Long story short…I’m thinking you might want to be more supportive of efforts to do something about climate change, you got a lot riding on it whether you want to ignore it or not, and we are at a rather crucial time…the tipping point, or pretty close to it and if we wait much longer…then it won’t really matter…we’ll all be sitting in that useless, dead car.

And this gets me back to my lifestyle, and my personality disorder.

Between me and you…I really don’t care that much about people.

Oh sure, I play a caring person on TV, but no…not really, not that much…I don’t have any kids to be concerned about, never been all that close to anyone in my family beyond my parents and I’m old enough that short of climate change altering the ecology enough that one of those unstoppable virus’s can flourish in our climate, I don’t have a lot to worry about. If the world does fall apart before I kick off, I’ll just hole up with some food, some booze, some guns and good books and ride it out. That’s okay by me, ultimately…I mean in the grand scheme, but you guys and gals…I would imagine you got kids, grandkids? Are you really so selfish that you’d just throw them to the dogs like that? You guys all hate big government, but when the effects of climate change hit and hit hard, who do you think your kids are going to depend on or need? Yeah, how’d that work out for you during Katrina, the oil spill?

I understand that many of you, like me, will die before it gets really bad. So okay, but I do wish I could be there when you’re on your deathbed at home or hospital, and when it’s all pretty much too late and you think your granddaughter is coming to say goodbye before you die, and just as you reach out your arms for that last hug…

She kicks you in the balls for doing nothing.

Have a nice day.

Jindal Aide Expresses Frustration at Recent Travel…Potential Presidential Run

Before, the scare...

An aide in the Jindal camp today expressed frustration with the governor’s recent travel schedule, “Look, we’ve been driving through four states in the past month. I didn’t sign on for this. I was under the impression this job was about Louisiana politics, you know, in Louisiana.” In the month of September, Governor Jindal attended GOP fundraisers for presumed presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty in Minnesota, and for Governor candidates Meg Whitman in California and Rick Scott in Florida. He also attended a GOP policy summit in Cincinnati, Ohio for the Republican Governors Association.   

“Now, I guess we will be driving to New Hampshire in a couple weeks,” the aide continued, “We certainly can’t fly.”   

It is this trip to the Granite State, where the first primaries will be held, that continues to fuel speculation the governor may be planning a run for the Presidency in 2012. The governor has maintained his job in Louisiana is the only job he wants, but most recently in the Gambit, Clancy Dubos suggested the governor was being disingenuous by “raising millions out of state on his perpetual I’m-not-really-running-for-president campaign.” If Jindal indeed is planning a run for higher office, this travel will only increase which is what has led to the aide’s frustration, “A presidential run? As far as I’m concerned, the governor has picked a fine time to begin doubting aeronautics. Really, planes are a hell of a lot safer than the cliff the Louisiana budget’s about to jump from.”   

If true, Jindal’s new opposition to the science behind air travel wouldn’t be his first run-in with the scientific community. The governor has had a long love/hate relationship with scientists, tending to endorse the importance and opinions of scientific experts when they agree with policy decisions, while refraining when they are contrary. In his response to President Obama’s State of the Union Address, the governor ridiculed government spending on seismic detection and volcano monitoring equipment for California and during the oil spill, he rejected scientific claims that sand berms would be harmful to the environment or simply wouldn’t work. Previous to the spill however, the governor’s office maintained a sincere faith and approval in the scientific technology used for deep water drilling, a faith it has continued to hold in favor of lifting the President’s drilling moratorium.  

But now, according to this unnamed aide, Jindal’s suspicion of science has extended itself to the calculations behind wind/speed velocity.   

“It was during those berm flyovers, right on the helicopter and we hit an air pocket or something, the helicopter tilted pretty severe and ever since, the governor has been listening more closely to the gravity crowd. Seriously, do you know how long it takes to drive to Fresno, California? And that trip to Florida…we went to Pensacola, Orlando, Jacksonville and St. Petersburg all in one day and then back to Baton Rouge that night. The governor’s driver? He’s having marital difficulties because of all this, but you didn’t hear that from me, okay?”   

There are many in Louisiana politics who feel that Jindal should be paying more attention to the fiscal cliff which will hit the state’s budget in February. With a $1.6 billion dollar projected shortfall in the budget, deep cuts will be necessary and little information has come from the governor’s office about what exactly will go under the knife, but since discretionary funding will be the hardest hit, it will likely affect higher education, health care and social services.  The governor’s top fiscal advisor, Paul Rainwater said it was too early to discuss specifics, but he did tell state senators the administration will protect “critical services,” and seek to consolidate agency functions, eliminate duplications and hire outside contractors to do services more cheaply.   

What they will not do is raise taxes, “We’re not going to support new taxes. We’re going to look for ways to decrease our budget and for ways to do more with less,” Rainwater said.   

If Rainwater is correct, it would appear that the state of Louisiana has been wasting an astounding amount of money annually, “Are you saying there’s $2 billion worth of services that are not critically funded?” asked Sen. Lydia Jackson, D-Shreveport, “I’m trying to get an indication of where you think you can achieve this level of savings, or at least some admission to the public of the kinds of services that they’re going to have to do without.”  

The governor’s official recommendations aren’t due until March.  

When asked about the budget, the aide rolled his eyes, “Man, all I know is Jindal should have named his upcoming book “Real Hope, Real Change – New Conservative Solutions to Rescue America from a Fucking Good Night’s Sleep, because I only get that when I’m in my own bed. If this guy runs for President, either he flies or I quit.”   

Have a nice day.  

Go Saints!