Not my friends…

These are not my friends. I don’t know their names, but I do see them in my neighborhood, usually together, usually laughing and one of them bartends down the street from where I live. They’re friendly enough, both smiling and serious in the rare moments I’ve seen them and they’ve always been (at best) friendly and (at worst) ambivalent. Either of those responses are fine. … Continue reading Not my friends…

Death and life…and EMDR

I enjoy thinking about how they interact, how they make me feel. I think about this a lot. Last night I was sitting at a bar on Geary Street, texting with my partner about missing these conversations I had with a friend on the darker aspects of life. She humored me and we reflected on the impact of death in our lives, she who has … Continue reading Death and life…and EMDR

It’s Christmas…

It’s Christmas day. I feel alright, more or less, sitting in my apartment in the Tenderloin, San Francisco. My partner, parents and most of my friends are in the Midwest so I’m out here alone, but that’s okay. I think Christmas for me is mostly a non-issue, unavoidable but at the same time not really resonating no matter how much I used to enjoy the … Continue reading It’s Christmas…

An Impossible Job…

I leave for work in two hours, where I manage the support services in a building with 140 highly acute residents. There should be a staff consisting of my role, an assistant manager, and five case managers to do the work, but what we have is me, and three case managers, one of which is starting today and two who work four day schedules. Despite … Continue reading An Impossible Job…

Shit, it is depression…

…and it has been for a long time. Walking to the grocery store this morning up Hyde Street, and I glanced up at the distinct San Francisco architecture, bay windows and whatnot and crossing Post, looked West towards Polk Street and I had this realization: shit, none of this means anything to me right now. I stopped on the corner and thought about everything I … Continue reading Shit, it is depression…

Back in San Francisco…

I moved back to San Francisco 8 months ago, a long debated change influenced by past memories, thoughts of meaning, the pandemic lock downs and a growing dissatisfaction with a repetitive, routine Chicago. This relocation was supposed to be a solution, get me back to doing the work I loved in an environment I related to where I could once again, begin to see my … Continue reading Back in San Francisco…

Connections

Standing at the corner of Eddy and Polk Street in San Francisco, looking at the combination KFC/Taco Bell restaurant, thinking. Do I want greasy fried chicken? That’d give me heartburn, but Taco Bell is so much what the fuck did I just eat? Maybe I should go somewhere else, get a slice of pizza at the place up the street. I glance left where crack … Continue reading Connections

Stripped

Over twenty years ago I had a singular experience. I was in the Pacific Northwest driving on the 520 Bridge spanning Lake Washington between Seattle and Bellevue. The morning sun was coming up. The floating bridge rocked gently on the water. I pushed the accelerator down, smoking a cigarette as I drove towards my apartment on the Seattle side of the lake. My car windows … Continue reading Stripped

You Can’t Heal – 6

“There‚Äôs a garden on the bay side of Telegraph Hill called the Filbert Steps, and it runs down from the heights of Coit Tower to Levi Plaza right across from San Francisco Bay. They used to make Levis in San Francisco. They used to make a lot of things here. They used to plan for large, public gardens like the Steps, a once beautiful scene … Continue reading You Can’t Heal – 6

You Can’t Heal – 2

I had a conversation yesterday with my partner in the little house we bought in the Midwest where we discussed concepts of home, and how though this little house was my home, my other was in San Francisco. We’ve had this discussion before, but there was a lot more weight behind it this time. We’ve lived cross country from each other in the past, and … Continue reading You Can’t Heal – 2