An Open Letter to the Remaining Oil in the Gulf of Mexico

Is this you? It sure looks like you. Liar! Stay out of Chandeleur Sound!

I thought we had a deal.

When we released our pie chart back on August 4th, that prop we used to show everybody watching the networks just how 75% of the oil had been removed from the Gulf, we did so under terms of a certain agreement, one that it disappoints us to find you have not kept. You know, we didn’t ask you to hide forever, but we did discuss how you might take things a bit more “low profile,” at least for awhile, and for about a half a day we were pleased with the arrangement. We felt that all parties were on the same page.

Remember?

The nice lunch we had, which we paid for I might add, we didn’t even ask you to leave a tip, not that we’re trying to say you’re cheap, far from it, if anything you’re more expensive than any of us could have ever imagined, but at the end of that lunch we felt our arrangement was formalized. We agreed to stop hitting you with so many dispersants, and you agreed to stay out of sight.

We shook on it, remember? And we still can’t get the stain off our hands.

So, what happened?

Why do you continue to so viciously flaunt yourself all over the Gulf? Did we not keep our word? Did we not fulfill our part of the bargain?

We believe we did.

And in return, what did you do? In just the past week alone, you go ahead and show up in St. Bernard, Plaquemines, Jefferson, Lafourche and Terrebonne Parish, you let your picture get taken from the beaches of Fourchon to Grand Isle to East Bay. We already removed the boom from there…we barely have skimmers anymore! That was just two days ago and you are such an asshole!

Okay, sorry…sorry…but you know, what about Mississippi? Horn Island? More pictures? This is what you call “lying low,” “taking a break,” “going on vacation?” You chose Barataria Bay to go on vacation?!

It’s like you don’t remember our conversation at all. Picture after picture after picture…meanwhile, we still try to pretend a deal is in place, that your behavior is just an aberration, a last hurrah so to speak. We get everybody on board to talk about how damage in the Gulf is winding down. The oil is gone. We get the damned NOAA to say how they don’t see any oil on the surface, and then you start popping up everywhere.

People are going to start thinking there’s still a huge mess down here, and that was not part of the deal.

We are getting tired of waking up and reading quotes like this:

“The government, both state and federal, is pushing to open all these fishing areas back up and say it is OK, but this is a load of shit,” said Clint Guidry, a Louisiana fisherman from Lafitte, Louisiana, “It’s not OK. They claim 75 percent of the oil is gone or accounted for, but there’s still oil coming in. There is more oil in many of our bays, right now, than there has ever been.”

This is unacceptable.

We’ve been talking amongst ourselves. The consensus is we suspect you think you have us beat, that enough people have found out about the danger of dispersants that we wouldn’t try spraying anymore, but see it from our side. Your actions are making us look defensive and this is something we cannot have. British Petroleum is the only bad guy here, it’s what we said. It’s what we laughed about over hurricanes at that bar on Grand Isle, remember, that little place on the beach?

This is intolerable.

You, are a liar.

You think we won’t resume using disperants but you need to understand, as long as we claim we aren’t using them anymore the press will believe us, at least the important press, because as you will quickly find out if you do not cease and desist, the important press is losing interest in you. The reporters want stories to cover in a climate that isn’t so goddamned hot. Besides, what else can they report about you and your ilk. Look, oil. Look, clean it up. Look, it’s killing birds, marshlands, and getting people sick. It’s getting old and the American public has an even quicker attention span than the media, so dispersants?

No problem.

We deny it. They’ll believe it. You’ll die, along with what’s left of the ecosystem, yes…but more importantly, we get you…first. The long term affects are anyone’s guess and we’ll just have to worry about that later.

So keep that in mind before you continue on this errant path.

We’ll be watching, and we’ll be doing our damnedest to make sure nobody else is.

Honor the deal.

Sincereley,

The Administration…you know which one.

Have a nice day

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